the wall talker

HOLLYWOOD-- In a brief statement released Saturday by publicist, Tracy Shaffer, Hollywood socialite and heiress, Paris Hilton has "expressed shock and dismay regarding the sudden and overwhelming loss of her life's media coverage" which reportedly vanished nearly one week ago with little to no warning. "Ms. Hilton wishes to express her apologies to those accustomed to monitoring the minutiae of her daily existence without interruption," explained Shaffer. "Unfortunately, she cannot express these apologies at this time as she is currently struggling to determine whether or not she still exists."

Although reports are still coming in from Tinseltown, the unexpectedly vast disappearance of updates on Hilton's day to day triflings have gone virtually unnoticed by the entertainment community as well as the public in general, excluding one very distraught Nicole Richie. "I keep changing the channel, but it's like the only info I can find these days are these Chinese weather reports!" Richie lamented. "Does this mean I don't exist, too?" Preliminary analysis by celebrity experts are inconclusive as to the exact cause of the disappearance but theorize that "it may have something to do with ... Who are we talking about again?"

Until the full extent of her existence or lack thereof is determined, Hilton's publicist stated that her teacup chihauhau, Tinkerbell would be cared for by sister and fellow heiress, Nicky Hilton. When when reached for comment on foster caring for the small dog due to her sister's current existential crisis, Nicky Hilton responded, "So, now... you say I have a sister?"

Rivaling the mystery of its apparent evaporation, Hilton's rise to notoriety started in 2002 with a force that has yet to be ascertained by modern anthropologists. It was further bolstered by verifiably having sex, some TV show, and an uncanny ability for considering various phenomena to be "hot".

Paris Hilton's ensemble was not yet determined at the time of press.

by Solomon Wall, staff-writer for the Wall Talker
WASHINGTON--In what is being characterized by the Bush Administration as "an undeniably necessary response to a stunning betrayal by a formerly unquestioned ally," plans were announced Thursday for a military strike against Mother Nature and God in Heaven in retaliation for the "recent and unprovoked attack on the good people of Southern Asia." President Bush has previously aligned himself with The Lord God throughout his first presidential term, as well as his recent campaign for re-election. This latest administrative decision has marked a notable turnaround on his God affiliations, while provoking a recently resurfaced John Kerry to release the statement, "Cough-FLIPFLOP-COUGH! Ahem, excuse me. I had something stuck in my throat."

During the press briefing in which the announcement was made, President Bush was barraged with questions about his recently redefined relationship to the entity now deemed a "rogue deity" by him and members of his administration. Ducking these questions, he declared, "Freedom's on the march. September 11th," and slowly backed away while gesturing repeatedly towards Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld to take the microphone.

Rumsfeld laid out a plan of intention to immediately curtail all U.S. spending on relief aid towards the recent disaster, all 35 million dollars of it, and redirect funding towards this new military effort. However, details were sparse on exactly how military force would be executed against the force commonly known as "the Almighty". Explained Rumsfeld, "We face yet an even newer kind of battle, with a newer kind of enemy. A battle in the, as yet to be determined location of Heaven, against the omnipotent, as yet to actually be seen, and in some cases, even believed, Lord God Almighty. But God unwilling, we will prevail."

Further questions presented at the briefing challenged the very connection between the actions of Mother Nature and the Creator of Heaven and Earth. When asked if Mother Nature might have acted, perhaps without the specific will of God in this recent event, Rumsfeld responded, "We are aware that there is an ongoing relationship between Mother Nature and the Lord God Almighty. We are aware that the Lord God Almighty has not prevented this tragedy from occurring. And we are aware that He, in fact, does possess weather of mass destruction and has for quite some time. So I ask all of you: do we really need to ask this question?" Upon hearing all the journalists respond in unison, "Yes, we do," Rumsfeld yielded the floor to Secretary of State, Colin Powell, who then looked at his watch and immediately yielded the floor to Secretary of State-to-be, Condoleeza Rice, at which point all journalists immediately shielded their eyes and rushed out of the building.

An Elusive Target?
A statement released the same day by the Pentagon declared, "Tracking down Mother Nature shouldn't prove to be too difficult. This nation has been fighting Mother Nature for a very long time and it's become something that we're quite good at. Put simply, we're not too concerned about Mother Nature." Regarding the Supreme Being: "This nation has been under God since it's beginnings. Now we, as a nation, will simply use our defensive resources to get over God, and then eventually on top of Him. The process of locating Heaven for a military strike may indeed prove to be daunting. However, our intelligence indicates that once God is found, He should lead us straight to Heaven like a rat to its hole. Moreover, finding Him shouldn't prove to be too difficult as sources indicate He is virtually everywhere. Although based on several good leads gathered by our intelligence thus far, we initially plan to go after Him in people's hearts."

The Public Reacts
In the United States, some Christian religious groups have been very vocal in their response to the administration's war waged against the Holy Trinity. "I just don't see how Bush could so easily turn his back on He who got him into office in the first place!" said religious leader Pat Robertson. "Does he honestly think that his being president twice is not a complete miracle?! And how does he even know that it's our God who's responsible? I mean, has anyone even questioned Allah?!" Environmental groups have also voiced concern over what they have collectively referred to as the Neo-Vilification of a Conventionally Yoked Mother Nature. Unfortunately, these concerns have met with little address due to no one knowing what the hell that means.

International reaction to the recent decision has ranged from bewildered to annoyed. A statement released by officials representing Sri Lankan President Chandrika Kumaratunga stated that "Although Mr. Bush would like to battle God for us, we would really appreciate some food and clean water." A senior government minister in Thailand, on the other hand, related a very different sentiment. "As long as it means that President Bush will not try to come over here and 'help us rebuild our nation' then we encourage him to continue fighting God until God is defeated."


On a very serious note, for a source of more information on how to help with the recent devastating tragedy in South Asia please visit this very helpful site.