RELIGION:
Papal Election Finishes In Record Time With Rock Beating Scissors
by Solomon Wall, staff-writer for the Wall Talker
VATICAN CITY-- Signaled by the wafting puff of white smoke from the chimney atop the roof of the Sistine Chapel, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany was elected the new pope in a final tie-breaking game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" early Tuesday evening. A rising puff of black smoke marked the first of three sets of three to be played which were deemed inconclusive due to the ambiguous hand shapes of Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos who suffers from severe arthritis and a touch of the palsy. Another black puff marked the second set which merely narrowed the playing field, or "papal ring" as it's come to be known, to its final two candidates without yet determining the "soul successor". Having gone with "paper" for his first three games in the final set's round, Ratzinger switched to "scissors" in an unsuccessful attempt to break a three-in-a-row stalemate with Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Milan intending to gain a best out of five win. But it was "rock" in the fifth game that staved off a sudden-death round and finally won the papacy for Ratzinger, the first German pope in centuries. Having chosen his new name, he emerged onto the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica as Pope Benedict XVI, where he waved to a wildly cheering crowd of tens of thousands by raising a rock-shaped triumphant fist.
"Dear brothers and sisters," began Pope Benedict XVI addressing the crowd, "I won."
Previous elections to the papacy, including that for Pope John Paul II, had been decided through various other methods now all deemed "outdated" by the Catholic Church. These have included a staring contest, handball, papal "taste tests", and a mysterious procedure which has only been known to Vatican outsiders as a "Pope-off."
"The most time-consuming process ever used was the staring contest," recounted Italian Cardinal Ennio Antonelli. "I tell you, no one can stare for extended periods of time without smiling as can a cardinal. These [staring contests] would last for weeks on end. In one occurrence, a new pope was quite nearly declared through this method, only to be found that his stone-cold expression was due to his passing. Having brought all the cardinals back in to start over, it soon become clear that no staring contest lasts longer than the one repeated after a most recent death."
This conclave marks the first to employ the newly ordained method of "rock, paper, scissors" to elect a new pontiff. "It serves as part of an ongoing effort to modernize and streamline procedures in the Catholic Church without sacrificing the practice of hollow ritual," explained CNN Vatican analyst John Allen. "In some Catholic circles, the 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' gesture has even been incorporated into the Sign of the Cross as an extended representation of what some in the clergy have coined the 'Sign of the Neo-Trinity'."
Despite efforts toward modernization, controversy over this latest election method has merely fueled the already brewing controversy over Ratzinger's hardline conservative stance on various issues, as well as the questionable Nazi affiliations of his adolescence. "With so much effort by Pope John Paul II to bridge the divide between the Catholic and Jewish community, for instance, one wonders if a playground procedure which replaces the pope with a former Nazi participant is the most sound method of holy selection," postulated Allen.
Most within the Catholic Community remain fully supportive of the Church's selection as well as the process by which it was made. "The divine process of selecting our pope is one that necessitates divine guidance," explained Cardinal Antonelli. "As such, we have been anointed with this guidance and, thus, our next spiritual leader has been revealed. For our Lord has spoken. And He saith unto us that rock doth beat scissors."
In his first of what promises to be many proclamations to come, Pope Benedict XVI has since decreed that the rock shall be celebrated as "most sacred before the eyes of the Lord." And as a measure of "reverence towards this holy form" he has encouraged the reinstatement of public stoning as a method of "meting out God's righteous wrath."
Added Cardinal Antonelli, "Habemus Papam! Like a rock! Amen!"
posted by Solomon Wall @ 12:04 PM
4 Comments:
First of all nice to see you back.
I'm glad they chose the rock/paper/scissor method, because I heard that this time they would use spin the bottle. I know they had problems in terms of finding the right "bottle". First I heard they used a normal wine bottle with holy-water, but that threw of the balance, then they tried a chalice, but that scratched the floor and chipped the chalice. Hmm, they must have decided that it too much up to chance.
Anyways I've heard that the reason that Razinger won, was that Fox News reported the smoke was white and that Ratzinger had been elected pope . This meant that the other networks followed this result.
Of course these at unsubstantiated rumours, but what I don't get is that I have heard Rubert Murdoch is trying to become a Cardinal, what's that all about???
Thank you, MRK, it's good to be back. Although, with me it's hard to say how long I will be before I slip into another one of my impromptu hiatuses (hiates? hiati?).
It's true, in as far as I'm lying, that there was a premature "white smoke" announcement made by FOX News. What they had gotten wrong was that they misinterpreted their sources reports which were really of the sounds of "White Snake" eminating from one of the chapel's open windows. This, of course was merely the music being played during the competition to pump up the cardinals' adrenaline for optimal competitive performance.
Let the smoting begin. I wonder who will be at the top of tricky Benedict's enemies list...?
let the things be done and then see what comes te coclusion.
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