"Hey! I'm BLOGGIN' here!" Or, "The next person I hear talking about New York having a 'certain indescribable energy' gets whomped on the head."
Now, don't get me wrong. I had an absolutely terrific time in New York. I hadn't been there in over ten years. I hung out and partied with the locals. I walked through Central Park. I rode in taxis with drivers trained exclusively by repeated viewings of Mad Max. I saw a Broadway parody of "Sesame Street" with a bunch of foul-mouthed puppets. I ate scrumptious food. I slept on a hotel bed that was so damned comfortable it was like heroine trying to get off it every morning. I had a terrific time. But not once, not ONCE, did I note any energy of the "certain indescribable" variety. Oh yeah, there was energy to the city alright. Energy all over the damn place. But said energy was neither "certain" nor "indescribable" I assure you.
Cab Driver Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. "Hi, I'm your cab driver today. We will be traveling at an average speed 725 miles per hour through 5 mile an hour traffic, slowing down to approximately 708 miles per hour for all 90 degree turns and red lights. Do not worry about reaching your destination due to current traffic constraints as I will be employing a honking technique known as 'semi-automatic' coupled with the Tourette's Syndrome method of lane changing."
What was uncertain about it? Remaining alive.
Walking Down The Street Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. Masses of people walking to and from work in a effort to avoid the risks imposed by the Mad Max Taxis and the Subways of Questionable Aromas, darting across streets Frogger-style, fiercely looking straight ahead and NOT AT ANYONE ELSE to deter muggers who are provoked by casual glances, all the while maintaining a brisk enough speed to offset the ever-present threat of climate induced hypothermia.
What was uncertain about it? Remaining alive.
Theatre-Going Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. Masses of people packing into a public structure quickly approaching a building capacity violation, while ushered by the soothing sounds of theatre attendants barking at everyone to get in, sit down, shut up, and enjoy culture.
What was uncertain about it? Whether or not the show would suck ass. (Which it did not. In fact, it kicked it!)
Central Park Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. Orange curtains. Everywhere. Ev-er-y-where. Electric.
What was uncertain about it? What the hell they were doing there.
Time Square Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. "Are we in Vegas?"
What was uncertain about it? "No, really, are we in Vegas?"
And this is just a small slice o' the Apple, my fine readers. The next time I go back to New York I hope to maybe have a run-in or two with a guy named Pauly, drop a cash register from the top of the Empire State Building, look up the Statue of Liberty's dress, experience a genuine New York minute (42 seconds), and have a series of glib discussions about both sex and the city. Until then, I leave you with this.
posted by Solomon Wall @ 4:02 PM
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