RELIGION:
Papal Election Finishes In Record Time With Rock Beating Scissors
by Solomon Wall, staff-writer for the Wall Talker
VATICAN CITY-- Signaled by the wafting puff of white smoke from the chimney atop the roof of the Sistine Chapel, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany was elected the new pope in a final tie-breaking game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" early Tuesday evening. A rising puff of black smoke marked the first of three sets of three to be played which were deemed inconclusive due to the ambiguous hand shapes of Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos who suffers from severe arthritis and a touch of the palsy. Another black puff marked the second set which merely narrowed the playing field, or "papal ring" as it's come to be known, to its final two candidates without yet determining the "soul successor". Having gone with "paper" for his first three games in the final set's round, Ratzinger switched to "scissors" in an unsuccessful attempt to break a three-in-a-row stalemate with Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Milan intending to gain a best out of five win. But it was "rock" in the fifth game that staved off a sudden-death round and finally won the papacy for Ratzinger, the first German pope in centuries. Having chosen his new name, he emerged onto the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica as Pope Benedict XVI, where he waved to a wildly cheering crowd of tens of thousands by raising a rock-shaped triumphant fist.
"Dear brothers and sisters," began Pope Benedict XVI addressing the crowd, "I won."
Previous elections to the papacy, including that for Pope John Paul II, had been decided through various other methods now all deemed "outdated" by the Catholic Church. These have included a staring contest, handball, papal "taste tests", and a mysterious procedure which has only been known to Vatican outsiders as a "Pope-off."
"The most time-consuming process ever used was the staring contest," recounted Italian Cardinal Ennio Antonelli. "I tell you, no one can stare for extended periods of time without smiling as can a cardinal. These [staring contests] would last for weeks on end. In one occurrence, a new pope was quite nearly declared through this method, only to be found that his stone-cold expression was due to his passing. Having brought all the cardinals back in to start over, it soon become clear that no staring contest lasts longer than the one repeated after a most recent death."
This conclave marks the first to employ the newly ordained method of "rock, paper, scissors" to elect a new pontiff. "It serves as part of an ongoing effort to modernize and streamline procedures in the Catholic Church without sacrificing the practice of hollow ritual," explained CNN Vatican analyst John Allen. "In some Catholic circles, the 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' gesture has even been incorporated into the Sign of the Cross as an extended representation of what some in the clergy have coined the 'Sign of the Neo-Trinity'."
Despite efforts toward modernization, controversy over this latest election method has merely fueled the already brewing controversy over Ratzinger's hardline conservative stance on various issues, as well as the questionable Nazi affiliations of his adolescence. "With so much effort by Pope John Paul II to bridge the divide between the Catholic and Jewish community, for instance, one wonders if a playground procedure which replaces the pope with a former Nazi participant is the most sound method of holy selection," postulated Allen.
Most within the Catholic Community remain fully supportive of the Church's selection as well as the process by which it was made. "The divine process of selecting our pope is one that necessitates divine guidance," explained Cardinal Antonelli. "As such, we have been anointed with this guidance and, thus, our next spiritual leader has been revealed. For our Lord has spoken. And He saith unto us that rock doth beat scissors."
In his first of what promises to be many proclamations to come, Pope Benedict XVI has since decreed that the rock shall be celebrated as "most sacred before the eyes of the Lord." And as a measure of "reverence towards this holy form" he has encouraged the reinstatement of public stoning as a method of "meting out God's righteous wrath."
Added Cardinal Antonelli, "Habemus Papam! Like a rock! Amen!"
posted by Solomon Wall @ 12:04 PM
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