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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Quote Between The Lines: Michael Jackson - 'Adults Have Let Me Down...'

"...Kids, on the other hand, are still getting me up."

posted by Solomon Wall @ 2:05 PM 7 comments

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

RELIGION:
Papal Election Finishes In Record Time With Rock Beating Scissors
by Solomon Wall, staff-writer for the Wall Talker


VATICAN CITY-- Signaled by the wafting puff of white smoke from the chimney atop the roof of the Sistine Chapel, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany was elected the new pope in a final tie-breaking game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" early Tuesday evening. A rising puff of black smoke marked the first of three sets of three to be played which were deemed inconclusive due to the ambiguous hand shapes of Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos who suffers from severe arthritis and a touch of the palsy. Another black puff marked the second set which merely narrowed the playing field, or "papal ring" as it's come to be known, to its final two candidates without yet determining the "soul successor". Having gone with "paper" for his first three games in the final set's round, Ratzinger switched to "scissors" in an unsuccessful attempt to break a three-in-a-row stalemate with Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Milan intending to gain a best out of five win. But it was "rock" in the fifth game that staved off a sudden-death round and finally won the papacy for Ratzinger, the first German pope in centuries. Having chosen his new name, he emerged onto the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica as Pope Benedict XVI, where he waved to a wildly cheering crowd of tens of thousands by raising a rock-shaped triumphant fist.

"Dear brothers and sisters," began Pope Benedict XVI addressing the crowd, "I won."

Previous elections to the papacy, including that for Pope John Paul II, had been decided through various other methods now all deemed "outdated" by the Catholic Church. These have included a staring contest, handball, papal "taste tests", and a mysterious procedure which has only been known to Vatican outsiders as a "Pope-off."

"The most time-consuming process ever used was the staring contest," recounted Italian Cardinal Ennio Antonelli. "I tell you, no one can stare for extended periods of time without smiling as can a cardinal. These [staring contests] would last for weeks on end. In one occurrence, a new pope was quite nearly declared through this method, only to be found that his stone-cold expression was due to his passing. Having brought all the cardinals back in to start over, it soon become clear that no staring contest lasts longer than the one repeated after a most recent death."

This conclave marks the first to employ the newly ordained method of "rock, paper, scissors" to elect a new pontiff. "It serves as part of an ongoing effort to modernize and streamline procedures in the Catholic Church without sacrificing the practice of hollow ritual," explained CNN Vatican analyst John Allen. "In some Catholic circles, the 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' gesture has even been incorporated into the Sign of the Cross as an extended representation of what some in the clergy have coined the 'Sign of the Neo-Trinity'."

Despite efforts toward modernization, controversy over this latest election method has merely fueled the already brewing controversy over Ratzinger's hardline conservative stance on various issues, as well as the questionable Nazi affiliations of his adolescence. "With so much effort by Pope John Paul II to bridge the divide between the Catholic and Jewish community, for instance, one wonders if a playground procedure which replaces the pope with a former Nazi participant is the most sound method of holy selection," postulated Allen.

Most within the Catholic Community remain fully supportive of the Church's selection as well as the process by which it was made. "The divine process of selecting our pope is one that necessitates divine guidance," explained Cardinal Antonelli. "As such, we have been anointed with this guidance and, thus, our next spiritual leader has been revealed. For our Lord has spoken. And He saith unto us that rock doth beat scissors."

In his first of what promises to be many proclamations to come, Pope Benedict XVI has since decreed that the rock shall be celebrated as "most sacred before the eyes of the Lord." And as a measure of "reverence towards this holy form" he has encouraged the reinstatement of public stoning as a method of "meting out God's righteous wrath."

Added Cardinal Antonelli, "Habemus Papam! Like a rock! Amen!"

posted by Solomon Wall @ 12:04 PM 4 comments

Sunday, February 20, 2005

"Hey! I'm BLOGGIN' here!" Or, "The next person I hear talking about New York having a 'certain indescribable energy' gets whomped on the head."

Now, don't get me wrong. I had an absolutely terrific time in New York. I hadn't been there in over ten years. I hung out and partied with the locals. I walked through Central Park. I rode in taxis with drivers trained exclusively by repeated viewings of Mad Max. I saw a Broadway parody of "Sesame Street" with a bunch of foul-mouthed puppets. I ate scrumptious food. I slept on a hotel bed that was so damned comfortable it was like heroine trying to get off it every morning. I had a terrific time. But not once, not ONCE, did I note any energy of the "certain indescribable" variety. Oh yeah, there was energy to the city alright. Energy all over the damn place. But said energy was neither "certain" nor "indescribable" I assure you.

Cab Driver Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. "Hi, I'm your cab driver today. We will be traveling at an average speed 725 miles per hour through 5 mile an hour traffic, slowing down to approximately 708 miles per hour for all 90 degree turns and red lights. Do not worry about reaching your destination due to current traffic constraints as I will be employing a honking technique known as 'semi-automatic' coupled with the Tourette's Syndrome method of lane changing."
What was uncertain about it? Remaining alive.

Walking Down The Street Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. Masses of people walking to and from work in a effort to avoid the risks imposed by the Mad Max Taxis and the Subways of Questionable Aromas, darting across streets Frogger-style, fiercely looking straight ahead and NOT AT ANYONE ELSE to deter muggers who are provoked by casual glances, all the while maintaining a brisk enough speed to offset the ever-present threat of climate induced hypothermia.
What was uncertain about it? Remaining alive.

Theatre-Going Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. Masses of people packing into a public structure quickly approaching a building capacity violation, while ushered by the soothing sounds of theatre attendants barking at everyone to get in, sit down, shut up, and enjoy culture.
What was uncertain about it? Whether or not the show would suck ass. (Which it did not. In fact, it kicked it!)

Central Park Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. Orange curtains. Everywhere. Ev-er-y-where. Electric.
What was uncertain about it? What the hell they were doing there.

Time Square Energy:
How was it describable? Like this. "Are we in Vegas?"
What was uncertain about it? "No, really, are we in Vegas?"

And this is just a small slice o' the Apple, my fine readers. The next time I go back to New York I hope to maybe have a run-in or two with a guy named Pauly, drop a cash register from the top of the Empire State Building, look up the Statue of Liberty's dress, experience a genuine New York minute (42 seconds), and have a series of glib discussions about both sex and the city. Until then, I leave you with this.

posted by Solomon Wall @ 4:02 PM 1 comments

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Soon I will be capable of making it ANYWHERE.

A friend of mine recently told me that when one goes to New York, one should throw around the phrase, "Big Apple" fairly regularly. As this is one of the labels used by New Yorkers "in the know," using it should immediately ingratiate oneself with these locals. Armed with this indespensible insider's tip, I'm leaving for the "Big Apple" early tomorrow morning. I can't decide if I should wait until I reach the hotel, or just come immediately off the plane with both arms akimbo boisterously exclaiming, "Yep! The BIIIIG APPLE!" I'll tell you one thing I'm looking forward to, though: some Big Apple pie. It must be really good there, right? Yessiree. So, Manhattan, prepare to be taken, 'cause here I come. Ready to address you as the large fruit that I know you are. Readers, when I return I'll let you all know how savvy the locals thought I was. Have a good week everyone.

posted by Solomon Wall @ 7:20 PM 0 comments

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Today's Meditation, or "I Got Bupkis, People"

For those, who read my recent commentary response to MRK, you already know that I've been blog-dry lately. I recently read a breakdown of blog do's and don'ts, one of which was "do publish entries often" and they were talking like several times a week. Well, dammit! I don't have that much going on up in my head, folks. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate. But I certainly don't have that much publishable stuff going on in my head. I think I blog to get out the thoughts in my head that won't shut-up and are starting to annoy all the other thoughts. In fact, I think it's these other thoughts, the ones you're not reading about, that are dictating what you do read about. Or can read about. I mean, obviously my thoughts don't actually make you do anything because, strictly speaking, I'm not a space alien. If I were, I'd probably have more to say.


Blog entry if I were a space alien:

Saturday, February 5, 2005

¤öø?þð. Þ¤¥¿Ð× ‡????»?Þ my language translator so you can actually read what I'm writing. Ah, that's better. Okay, so now, let me just get this straight, earthlings: You actually spent all that dough going to the moon just so you could basically win some race?! What the Flurgon are you guys doing down there? I mean the moon, earthlings! In the palm of your primitively space-traveled hand, and now it's just sittin' there gathering it's own moon dust! Well, look, if that orbital seat's not taken then our lifeforms would be more than happy to grab it for you. It'd make a great banquet hall planet for us. And what's all this crap about one day terraforming Mars if your planet becomes uninhabitable? I mean if y'all actually even figure out how to do it then why the Flurgon wouldn't y'all just terraform your own damn planet back to normal?! Hello, earthlings?! Nobody constructs a new house because the old one is dirty! Crap on a stick, what's the matter with you carbon-sacks?! And just so I'm clear, you folks are all worried about destroying the planet with your own pollution, although you basically understand the technology to prevent it's destruction and just aren't sure it's worth preventing because it might... COST TOO MUCH?!! I'm just about ready to wash my antennae of you creatures. And another thing, will somebody please tell that Larry Miller guy from "Sit 'n Sleep" that his mattress guarantee makes NO SENSE! You'll beat anyone's price or my mattress is free? As in, "I'm sorry, but in this case, we just can't afford to beat this price, so we'll have to charge you nothing instead"?!! It's like promising that if you can't afford to give someone a hundred dollars then you'll give'em a million as a consolation. WHAT THE FLURGON?!! Okay, I'm just getting a space-headache, now. Like I'm trying to explain glass-blowing to a grizzly bear, here. An Earth-grizzly bear, that is, as the grizzly bears on our planet actually do have a rough proficiency in the art of glass-blowing. But I digress. And I might as well since I can no longer think of what to write to you earthlings. Guess I'm just blog-dry.

posted by Solomon Wall @ 10:53 AM 6 comments

Thursday, January 27, 2005

When I don't feel like blogging that's when the darkness comes.

"The emptiness just sits there, waiting for nothing, hoping for less. But just out of curiosity, what's for dinner?"
Does anyone know how to get into writing for greeting cards? I think the previous would be a great message inside one for Anti-Valentine's Day. Here are a few more inspired ideas I have:

"Your mistress called. She said she's leaving you for another husband. Happy Anniversary."

"I have the worst headache right now, feels like a damn tumor! By the way, how's the cancer treating you? Get Well."

"As I lay on the front porch, shirtless, shivering, and shit-faced, I am reminded of the day this all began. Happy Birthday, Son."

"Merry Kiss-my-ass."

Okay, now it's time to get in a better space. Click here.

posted by Solomon Wall @ 5:27 PM 2 comments

Thursday, January 20, 2005

SCIENCE:
Mars Rover Discovery Suggests Possibility of Rocks On Mars
by Solomon Wall, staff-writer for the Wall Talker

LOS ANGELES-- NASA's Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity has recently discovered what scientists are excitedly calling "further strong evidence for the existence of rocks on Mars." Images transmitted back to earth today reveal an object with key rock-like features that NASA scientists claim to be indicative of a genuine rock, although final analysis is still forthcoming.

Up until this point, exploration has led to findings that confirm at least a certain kind of rock is already known to exist on Mars. With Opportunity's latest discovery, it may soon be concluded that a certain other kind of rock exists there as well. Should exploration continue to yield further rock findings, scientists claim they'll soon be able to confirm the existence of rocks in general on the Red Planet.

"And if this turns out to be the case, it will leave the door wide open for the possibility of many sizes of rocks, including rocks so small they may even be considered sand, which as we all know is a necessary component of beaches," postulated Steve Squyres, chief scientist for the NASA mission. "This, in turn, would mean that it's not inconceivable for beaches to have once existed on Mars, thereby requiring shorelines, and thus making oceans an almost foregone conclusion, which, if anything like the ones on Earth, might indicate a possible environment serving as an ideal hotbed of activity for life itself! Perhaps! We've never been closer to unlocking the secrets of this world."

With approximately one year of operation behind them, rovers Opportunity and Spirit have literally travelled well beyond all of NASA's initial expectations. They were expected to crash. This latest data follows a stream of significant findings which have, as NASA officials posit, been earning well beyond the mission's nearly $1 billion pricetag. Since landing, 62,000 images along with other data have been transmitted back to Earth, helping to verify the likely Martian existence of what amounts to five drops of water, a wellspring of dust, some gravity, the ground, and an occasional light breeze. These findings come on the heels of European probe, Huygens' momentous discovery of dampness on Saturn's moon, Titan.

Added Squyres, "This is when science gets really exciting."


posted by Solomon Wall @ 1:40 PM 3 comments