the wall talker

WASHINGTON--At a recent press conference, White House officials announced new legislation approved by the Bush Administration to take effect January 1st, 2005 which will change the official name of the United States of America to simply “September 11th.” This marks the first notable bout of policy-making by the administration since the appointment of its new cabinet members, whose selection has been widely criticized as likely resulting in a politically insular environment.

“In an effort to ensure that the world does not forget, we as a nation shall adopt this new country name as a guilt-tripping moniker of global proportions, branding us all as one with a level of self-righteous martyrdom that has not been aspired towards since the crucifixion of Jesus Christ Almighty himself,” said White House Press Secretary, Ari Fleischer.

Furthering this theme, it was revealed that the administration has decided that U.S. foreign diplomacy, with regard to any and all international discussions, disputes, or decisions about anything whatsoever will, starting January 1st, consist solely of uttering the phrase “September 11th” and/or the word “terrorists” using a grave, indignant tone.

Other changes said to take effect include: the renaming of “Washington, D.C.” to “Nine-elevenopolis, D.C.”; a revamping of the color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System (different colors replaced with levels “Sept. 7th” through “Sept. 11th,” the last indicating the highest threat); and the renaming of the White House to “The House That Stood On Nine-Eleven” with a newly-assigned street address of "911 Pennsylvania Avenue."

It was further indicated that cabinet discussions were currently underway to replace the country’s longstanding national anthem “The Star Spangled Banner” with either Neil Diamond’s “September Morn” or an obscure and completely instrumental violin piece entitled “Nero’s Theme.” When asked by reporters at the press conference if these were examples of this administration spending its recently earned “political capital,” White House officials, pointing their fingers at the sea of journalism before them, responded in stern unison with the single phrase “September 11th” then slowly exited without lowering their fingers or breaking eye contact.